Thursday, November 3, 2016

The Sound of Silence

I have never felt so lost and alone like I am feeling right now. So many things, emotions and thoughts are lingering on my mind at this moment. Life after the lost is definitely hard for me. I feel like I have nobody that I can discuss all my worries and feelings without being judge. I really really really need my mom.


I can't begin to express how much I miss my mom. The way she kept talking about life, about things she loves, all of her worries and what she was thinking. I missed hearing her voice, I missed being in her presence, I missed listening to her stories, I missed all the things that she did to make me happy when I was heartbroken, I missed her cooking, I missed her advice, I missed her adventure. Oh boy! I missed everything about her.


The battle between my mind and my emotions continues even though it has been more than two years since my mom passed away. Ever since her death in 2014, I always think about her, playing 'what if game' in my mind, blaming myself for not being there for her more, remembering all the things that she said to me. Deep inside me I always feel like my mom is still around because all the things that she left behind is still here. 

So when the news that our childhood home can no longer be ours and we have to move, hit me really hard. Harder than I thought it would be. On the surface I thought it doesn't really matter where my dad lives as long as he is happy. I still feel sad because suddenly I am not just letting go of a house, I am letting go of a home that mean a lot to me, my mom's memories and all the stories that this house tell so well. I am still holding on to the house because it reminds me of my mom. When I am there I can still feel her presence. I feel like I can see her doing something like reciting Quran or cooking for us. I don't really know if I am ready or even able to let that go ever. Letting her go was the toughest thing I have to do and I am not sure if I can do it again without loosing a part of me.


I know that nothing in this world belong to us. Nothing is permanent. Everything is temporary including your life. At any time all of these things can be taken away from us. I know that. I believe that. But it doesn't makes things any easier. 

I am glad that I inherit my mom's passion for memory keeping. All I have left is the tangible things of my mom like all the photos taken, all the story document in my blog / scrapbook project and all the videos taken. At time like this it helps to have something of her that I can enjoy and cherish. I wonder if my mom kept a journal. It would be cool to be able to read her thoughts and feelings right now.
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I do wish I have taken the time to properly organised and tags all of my digital asset. It took me awhile to dig photos of my mom. I know I have a lot of them. I just need to look for them. Lesson learned - cherish life, take lots of photos, document the journey and be happy. 

Emak, I miss you so much. I believe that you are at peace and may Allah bless and protect you. We will do our best to be a good Muslim, to protect your legacy and be a good sons and daughter to Abah.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

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