Saturday, July 11, 2015

Life after the lost

I thought I was okay, I thought I can live my life happily but now almost a year later I still feel the same kind of sadness that I felt before. I have been struggling with this emotional roller coaster of crying, depress, laughter, smiling, angry, regret and many more for about a year. Dealing with the lost of my mother is not easy for a daughter to handle. Suddenly I find myself totally alone and have no where to turn to.

Everyday has been a struggle. The loneliness that creep inside of me is very hard to ignore. When facing with difficult situation in my life, I look around and there's no one there {at least not the one who really genuinely care about me and my well being},  for me to consult. Ramadan is the worst for me just because this used to be one of my mom's favorite month. I kept thinking about her and missing her every second of the day. 

I dreamt about her yesterday. In my dream I got to hug her and tell her everything about my life. I missed her so much. The void that she left behind has not been filled and it's slowly killing me inside. I tried so many things to stop myself from falling down into depression hole but so far I am hanging by a thread here. Holding ever so tightly so that I will not fall. It's exhausting and it's hard.

me and my mom

I have heard it all before:
    - Death is inevitable, accept it and move on
    - Allah is with you, don't be sad
    - Dua
    - recite Quran
     and many more....


I've tried everything. It works for awhile but when the excitement and thrill are gone, I look around there's no one there. This whole experience really teach me to be completely depend on Allah. I have to keep reminding myself that nothing is ever permanent in this world. I will follow my mom one day but I am not sure if I will ever meet her again. 

Times like this really reminds me why I love memory keeping and scrapbooking. I am thankful that I took the time to capture my life and hers in photos. These are a few of tangible items of her that I can look back and enjoy.



My mom was a natural born memory keeper. She loves taking photos and she insist that we took a photo of our family at least once a year.






I miss you emak. Thank you for being the mother to me and teach me about life. You are my inspiration. I am at awe with your strength and your courage. I hope I am as strong as you.

Al-Fatihah to Hajjah Zaliha binti Hashim.

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